Hello guys,
I would like to share my thoughts on Abuse and I hope we can think briefly on few
points. I would share a story then try to discuss few points that should guide us on
the issue of abuse. Abuse is a very broad subject; we have child abuse, sexual
abuse, emotional abuse etc. For the purpose of this discussion, we would limit
ourselves to emotional abuse.
Normally when a girl is 5 years old, she gets all the attention, dad would pick her
up and tell her how special she is, he would buy her gifts and promise to love her
no matter what. She gets older and soon form her own opinion about love based on the
love her parents showed her. As we get older and independent, we go hunting, we
start to meet people that we hope would affirm our belief that we are special and
should be loved like dad said. Anyway like I said before I would share a story and
we would all reason together.
For the confidential reasons, I would replace the names of the parties involved.
This is a true life story and I was involved so read and learn.
I lived in a block of flats in Lagos Nigeria, most of us were young upwardly mobile
professionals, I had this guy called Tony that lived across the hall, always keeping
to himself, low voice and seemingly simple guy, I see him come and go with a
particular lady called Onome, the look cute together. One particular day I got in
from work late, at about 10.30pm I heard a loud cry on the corridor, a female voice
echo through the hall way. I was wondering who it was so I waited a few minutes and
if you know Lagos for what it is; people hardly come to your rescue on private
issues, every one stayed indoor as Onome cried out for help, as I later found out,
the guy (tony) locked her out, he first beat her up and then pushed her out. I went
outside and persuaded her to come into my flat (wrong move I must confess) she
unwillingly came in and cried so loud you would wonder if I was helping at all.
Anyway I tried calming her down for about 2 hours, along the line I heard Tony's
door open and close so I went out to see if we could talk but realized Tony threw
Onome's things outside in a black waste bag. I brought the bag into my flat and when
Onome saw this she jumped up and landed on the floor with a loud cry...Oh lord Tony
why? Why? Tony put my things in a waste bag? Omg why why and she cried. I was
surprised. For me I did not make a big deal from her things being in a bag but she
saw it another way entirely. To cut the story short, we started talking.
Me: Onome how did you get into this?
Onome: …But I love him.
Me: Can you see what you are going through?
Onome: I can't believe Tony would do this to me. I have given everything to please
him. I give money, my body and my time yet this is how tony repays me. When his mum
died, I was there for him, when he had his exhibition and no family member was
there, I stood my him.
Me: where are your parents Onome?
Onome: My mum is in Surulere.
Me: Don't you think you should go back home
Onome: No
Me: Are you in school?
Onome: I am a graduate from Unilag
Me: what? So you have finished school? What are you doing here?
Onome: I love Tony.
Me: I don't understand; why don't you get a life and do something.
Onome: No I don't want to do anything but love tony. I feel my goal in life is just
to love Tony.
Then she starts vomiting. Alcohol all over my floor! I try to help but the next
vomit was on me. Onome was crying, vomiting and talking yet all she could say was I
love Yony. It sounded insane to me. She had lost her senses to Tony. This certainly
is not love.
I later discovered that Tony was sleeping with another girl and beating Onome yet
Onome felt it must be Tony or no one else. She said her mum warned her that Tony was
no good but she did not believe her.
Now here's my point, of the many types of abuse, the most ridiculous in my view is
that which is self inflicted. I am yet to fully articulate how a man can consume
alcohol and fall into the gutter yet do same the next day or how a lady would use
her 2 legs to visit a man that raped her one too many times. It’s unthinkable to
note that Onome would be told by her parents that Tony was no good for her yet she
would rather stay and take all the mess.
Most abused person live in the delusion that he or she (Abuser) would change. Most
ladies that are abused either hope for a change or tell themselves it’s not that
bad. It’s so unfortunate that many young ladies in an attempt to prove that they are
now adults forget to check and check again certain attributes to see if this man is
who he says he is. We are often driven by greed and a desire to be cared for that
even the devil in an SUV is good enough. Ours is the only generation that can
graduate with a good degree from the university yet lack ability to use our head to
make sound decisions.
It has become clear that most ladies fall one too many times not because they did
not see the hand writing on the wall but because they decided to ignore it. It makes
me wonder how you can be so loved as a child yet seem to align yourself with a
substandard and half baked man all in the name of love. I have also discovered that
many of us say we are adults but we are just over grown babies. We cannot make sound
decisions neither can we let the right people counsel us. We are quick to think
whoever counsels us is trying to run us aground.
Another friend who ended up in a bitter marriage once confess to me that she made
the biggest mistake marrying the man she married, in her words, “being a man is not
about wearing TM shirts and straight pants, it’s about character”. Character is the
only distinguishing factor between an animal and a man. It’s however sad that we
embrace the beast clothed in sheep clothing. We love the cars and the gifts above
the sense of hard work and commitment. We are quick to judge down the men that have
character but lack the affluence we seek. We say we have our own monies but we are
quick to make decisions based on what we can get.
The question we need to ask is how did Onome get in to this mess? There are many of
us like Onome, we sit in church every now and then yet we are victims not by mistake
but byself election. We volunteer to be abused. We have been told by friends and
family that certain decisions we make is not good for us but we seek to push home
the point that we can be our own man or lady. Year in year out Christian ladies and
men are victims of abuse; in the hands of shallow minded people yet we say God would
do a new thing. We need to start by reassessing ourselves. You cannot say you did
not know; the bible says no one can embrace fire and would not get burnt. It’s not
possible to be called a bastered by a man that says he loves you and you say he
would change. Who called you to change him? Or you are with a man that tells you
there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with other ladies so long as his heart is
with you- that is a big lie. My grand dad use to say man and woman cannot be friends
for nothing, I don’t completely agree with that but I assure you there’s nothing
like my best friend is a girl. A guy that is dating you and has another best friend
who’s a lady is showing you a red flag; so is a lady that keeps male friends yet
professes undying love to a man.
Abuse is often eminent when commitment is founded on wrong principles. The crux of a
good relationship is integrity, character and excellence (ICE). Any relationship
that is built on lies and a shallow idea of love would never stand. Giving your body
and resources with the hope of keeping a man is tantamount to postponing the true
revelation of who he is. Sex has never been able to keep a man to a woman but
character does. Character that’s built on anything other than the fear of God is the
highest level of deceit. It’s completely impossible to find and keep a relationship
using the dating principles of Hollywood. Moreover your said love for God is often
tested by the quality of decisions you make in relationships. You cannot say you
love God but you are driven by self aggrandizement. The humility that comes from
walking with God often reveals the hidden intentions of people we seek to love of do
business with.(Being sober helps vigilance)
Onome was advised by friends and family that Tony was no good but she decided to
keep the relationship till she became a punching bag; just like many of us who after
many wise words from the Holy Spirit through pastors, friends and family we refuse
to desist from certain relationships. We are volunteers or willing victims.
An abuser would always have certain attributes that we must look out for:
Complete disregard for God/Undistinguished sense of commitment for God
Self aggrandizement /Ego/Pride/Arrogance
Excuses/Procrastination/Lies
Uncontrolled Emotions/Lust
The list is endless, the bible say know yea not that your body is the temple of the
holy ghost? Simply put, you have been bought and sealed with the spirit of God, that
means your life must be driven by Godly principles, it’s not possible to think you
can choose or find a man or woman that would give you peace using ungodly
principles. I have said it before; because God knows that true love must be pure and
without bias and he knows that finding love amongst us (Christians) can be hard once
we step into our fullness, he often conceals the fullness of most Christian men so
that only the faith of a willing Christian lady can unlock and release a Godly man
into his abundance. That in my view explains why the most admirable and succeeding
men in church are all married. If you ask their wives, they would tell you that at
the point they decided to date and marry them, they had almost nothing but a sense
of integrity, character and excellence. It also accounts for reason why only men
that are engaged to be married look like men worth loving by other single ladies.
God is in the business of setting us up for good. He protects the men from greedy
ungodly ladies by ensuring their (Christian man) fullness is not revealed till a
lady takes a loan of faith on them and believe in them because of Godliness. We live
in a generation that integrity; character and holiness seem neglected for what we
can see and what we can get. One lady once said Na integrity I go chop? Another said
Godliness doesn’t pay bills. Anyway let me disappoint you, Faith is still the
currency of the spirit, Godliness would keep what Integrity and character give’s
you. The foundation of God remains the surest way to stay afloat in this game called
life.
When we let the world dictate and spell out how we live, we become willing victims
for callus men to prey on. Abuse is inevitable when purpose is misunderstood. The
purpose of a relationship is not “what you can get” but what you can both give to
complete each other. God is the architect of love so we must look to him to help us
make the best decisions. Whenever we decide to test the waters, we get burnt, It’s
my prayer that God would speak to our hearts on this subject; that we would seek out
relationships that add to who we have been called to be in Christ and not invest the
best of us in relationships that demean us entirely. If you are a victim of
emotional abuse, take a bold step, talk to a friend, preferably a pastor in church,
there are phone numbers below that you can reach the leadership of this ministry on;
so someone can speak with you. You need to look within you, ask yourself this: Am I
not worth the commitment of a sane, decent and Godly man? Why should I be insulted
and abused just because I care?
God bless you.
Igonoh Godwin
16/08/2012
